Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

Some people subconsciously reject their partner for fear of intimacy. Sometimes this is because these people are going through turbulent childhood years and it is difficult for them to communicate with others. Others may be traumatized at other stages of their lives, such as experiencing a bad relationship.

BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

Some people subconsciously reject their partner for fear of intimacy. Sometimes this is because these people are going through turbulent childhood years and it is difficult for them to communicate with others. Others may be traumatized at other stages of their lives, such as experiencing a bad relationship.

In fact, this is the best way to overcome this problem and deal with the problem of intimacy in interpersonal relationships. Recognize your weaknesses and address them and learn how to use them as your strengths.

In fact, we take away those we love; Because we are afraid. We are afraid that our emotions will get too involved, because love is a very big emotional investment. We are afraid that we will give our all for a relationship and in the end everything will end without any grip.

Exactly the same thoughts that come to us at the beginning of any romantic relationship. Sometimes things go your way and you end up happy, and sometimes things go your way.

We keep those we love because we think We do not deserve them. We ask ourselves, does our partner deserve a better person than us? He is certainly an extraordinary person who is loved by many. He is far more amazing and attractive than we are, so why would anyone like him want to share his life with someone like me?

In fact, we distance ourselves from those we love because We are afraid that we will not be good enough for them. Can we make them happy? Is living with me satisfying for them? And if not, then how? What happens when you think the other person will have a better life without you?

We turn away from those we love because we do not know what we want. We convince ourselves that we want what others expect of us. Because we like to look rational, things that follow a logical timeline and end up with reasonable results. We want to be responsible and live a normal life for ourselves.

We want our parents to talk about us and describe our situation. We like to look like a successful and purposeful person when we talk to our friends. But the truth is that our behavior is not always purposeful and we do not create brilliant and outstanding results. But acknowledging this fact is not going to lead to our loneliness and suffering.

BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

Avoid those we love because of the uncertainties of life. If one thing is certain, it is love between us humans.

We shun those we love because we fear that our love alone is not enough to maintain a relationship, and sometimes it really is. Not all loves are eternal, but that does not mean that short loves are never real. True love can also be temporary.

True love can sometimes happen like a whirlwind in your life, making you feel like it's the biggest chaos you've ever experienced. Sometimes love can happen to you just like a dream. The end of a love affair is not known to anyone, but it should not affect our relationship.

But we must remember that the end of a love affair never feels good, so Let's not turn away from those we love. If the other side does not want to leave us, do not force it. Let our partner stay in our lives, let love grow. Let love and intimacy rule our lives and stop people from driving us out of our lives. Why in intimate and close relationships we suddenly and for no reason hurt the other person and keep him away from us. In the following, after reviewing the reasons for this incident, we will examine the solutions to solve this problem in ourselves and others. Join us.

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Everything comes from our childhood

BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

Why do we respond to each situation in our own way? In fact, the behavior of this group of people does not help much to meet their needs. Instead, instead of finding a solution, he drowns them in a dramatic story. In fact, the reason for this behavior is that it is much easier to choose a defensive state than a behavior based on vulnerability, and the default mentality of all of us is to protect ourselves.

None of us have our own childhood We have not left without at least a few deep emotional wounds. We all have doubts and insecurities in different ways. We all have sensitive points that can be squeezed in certain situations and provoke certain reactions in us. The interesting thing is that we always seem to choose a partner for our lives who specializes in squeezing our sensitive points and provoking our defensive reactions.

Women feel when they are not being heard or They do not approve, they feel ashamed, this feeling of shame often turns into provoking her in their relationship with their spouse by criticizing "Why do you never work hard enough?" Or "You never get right!"

Men, in turn, feel embarrassed or ashamed when they feel criticized for being inadequate (which makes women more likely to engage in provocative behavior). And eventually men develop anger and aggressive behaviors.

This feeling of shame and fear of being flawed or inadequate can lead us to unhealthy reactions to each other. In addition, when our partner exhibits such behaviors, it becomes difficult for us to experience feelings of love in the relationship.

Did we all need things in childhood that our parents were unable to provide? For some people, this unmet need is the attention of parents, for some it feels like being loved, accepted or even wanted!

However, any need that is not met in the early years of our lives can cause We look for someone in the next relationship of our lives to meet this need for us.

BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

It starts with the fact that although you want your partner to help you experience the feeling of wanting, being loved or being beautiful, at the same time you either ignore or reject all his efforts to do so, and in all This time, you are probably blaming them because you still feel that you are not lovable, that your behavior is stupid, or that you are not good enough for the other person. Feeling ashamed and embarrassed leads to the severance of the emotional connection between the two parties. But being open and putting yourself in a vulnerable position can lead to an increase in the level and depth of emotional connection. Experience intimacy. This helps to understand that there is always a good intention behind our misbehavior to keep others away, which is to protect ourselves.

Awareness that our defensive reactions are rooted in meeting needs. It's our childhood, it's a step towards being able to meet those needs on our own and let our spouse help us along the way.

Once we realize that we are ashamed to allow Control our behavior and stimulate our defensive reactions, then we can consciously make new behavioral choices.

We can greatly increase our ability to relieve ourselves. When our partner is kind or generous to us, we can consciously control our behavior and not get stressed or stressed, or when we are strongly inclined to criticize our partner, we can easily control our behavior and speech. .

We can embrace their compliments without hesitation and enjoy these warm and loving feelings, and finally we can decide to stay away from and offend the people we love. Let's give up.

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Why do we keep the people we love away from us?

BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

Exactly when you feel closer to your partner than ever and the intimacy between you is at its peak , Suddenly he starts behaviors that seem to be aimed at distancing himself from you and separation.

Common behavioral patterns in this situation include:

  • Increasing physical distance And emotional
  • short contacts and m Less attention
  • Paying less attention to your needs and wants
  • Unusual, rude or unpleasant words

This distance bothers and confuses you. In fact, you thought your relationship was going well, until the other person started building a wall between you and pushed you away.

Or maybe you's the one who keeps others from you You walk away. For example, when a relationship starts to get serious, suddenly your behavior with the other person cools down, or when your friends and loved ones get close to things that you prefer not to share with others, you suddenly retreat.

In fact, if you frequently see such patterns in your dealings with others, it is likely that you will never Do not experience the intimacy you want in your relationship.

There is no room for worry or frustration, though, because change is always possible at any age, and you can learn to allow people to behave in a healthy way. And enter your privacy safely and experience true intimacy.

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What is the reason for this?

BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us? In general, people do not avoid intimacy because they hate others or want to be alone. But there are other deeper reasons for this.

But what are those important reasons? And why does it happen?

In fact, if you do not know why others are pushing you away, it may be more difficult for you to change this behavior, and discovering possible reasons can be an important first step in regaining intimacy in your relationship.

People often distance themselves from others for the following reasons:

Separating others as a defense mechanism

Fear of intimacy is often our subconscious adaptive approach to Avoid stress and rejection. Because we seldom do this consciously and intentionally, it is difficult to understand that this unconscious process is taking place. Often, others will notice your behavioral changes before you do.

Those closest to you are probably the best indicator of your behavioral changes. In fact, when we are emotionally aroused, we can seldom make sound judgments about how we treat others. Examples of alienating behaviors in relationships may include the following:

  • You no longer respond to calls or messages from the other party.
  • You are less likely to meet the other party. .
  • You constantly make excuses for not socializing.
  • You pay less attention to the other person's feelings and emotions.
  • You are unusually outspoken. Or you may even become rude.

Why do we exclude our loved ones: Psychological factors

BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

In fact, it seems that some people distance themselves from others when we need the most support. But this is a common pattern of behavior among those who avoid intimacy. Research confirms the human need for intimacy; But the case for these people has raised fears of rejection of this basic need.

Opening oneself up against the risk of rejection is a huge risk. Pain and grief are the result of trying and failing to communicate with a romantic partner. Some of us are naturally more risk-averse than others, so we try to be less risk-averse. Others have lost their trust in others because of bad experiences they have had in the past.

In any case, being alone does not generally make us happy. Of course, the presence of others may complicate your life somewhat; But communication with others is good for you overall. It seems that it is the fear of rejection that causes problems in the formation of our intimate relationships and leads us to distance ourselves from others.

Fear of intimacy

Doing others is one way to avoid intimacy. In fact, this type of avoidance can serve as a defense mechanism for people who are afraid of getting hurt in relationships.

In fact, even if you think you have gone through your previous relationships, Fear and rejection of rejection may remain in your subconscious.

And as you enter a new relationship, the fear of rejection and the instinct to protect yourself subconsciously activate you and the other party. You may turn away.

It may not even occur to you, but the subconscious part of your mind says to itself, "If I turn away from the other person before he gets too close to me, he can no longer. It hurts me. "

Then, without realizing it, certain actions will be taken against you, such as starting an argument, avoiding emotional intimacy, and so on, all of which result in the other person moving away./p>

In fact, the thought of a close relationship upsets you, so try in every way possible to avoid hurting yourself emotionally by avoiding too much intimacy and closeness.

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  • Attachment Pattern

    BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

    A person's attachment pattern can also play a role in avoiding intimacy. If your parents did not meet your need for intimacy and emotional support in childhood in a healthy way, you may develop a pattern of maladaptive or avoidant attachment later in life.

    In adulthood, you want to build a close relationship with your friends and partner, but at the same time you are afraid that these people will disappoint you, just as your parents did to you. In such a case, you may tend to have occasional relationships Create a low level of intimacy so that if things do not go your way you want, you can quickly withdraw from your relationships with others. Or you may even periodically fluctuate between an intimate relationship and clinging to your partner, as well as keeping them away from you.

    It is worth noting that clinging too much to your partner can Keep her away from you, too, especially when your behaviors in a relationship suddenly change between the intense need for intimacy and their intense rejection.

    Rejecting others after a bad relationship H3>

    Separation is a painful and bitter experience in most cases, after the end of a relationship or the end of their life together, we usually ask ourselves why we invested emotionally in the other party from the beginning and dedicated our time and feelings to him. These thoughts sometimes prevent us from reaching out to new people and trying out a new relationship.

    In fact, this can cause us to fear rejection in the future and our intimate relationships with problems. In some cases, rejecting others for their past bitter experiences may become a long-term pattern of behavior that can affect a person's emotional life, and the only treatment is to increase self-awareness. Behavior and interpretation of a person's past life events.

    Rejecting others for depression

    BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

    Like depression itself, fears of intimacy can last as long as The main reason is to continue, to be stable. In such cases, consulting a mental health professional can speed up your recovery and help prevent rejection.

    Self-esteem or low self-esteem

    People with low self-esteem or low self-esteem may also eventually reject others. In such a case, you may really love someone, but doubt that you have the skills to maintain a long-term relationship or friendship.

    You may believe that:

    • You make a mistake or disappoint the other person.
    • The other person does not really like you.
    • will eventually leave you for someone else.
    • You are not good enough for the other person.
    • You do not deserve a healthy relationship with someone you love.

    If you are anxious, If you are experiencing depression, or other mental or physical illnesses, you may have concerns about your ability to support and meet the other person's needs (even if this is probably unrealistic).

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    Problem Trusting Others

    BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

    Problems with trust are very common among those who have already experienced the pain of betrayal. If your ex-partner has cheated on you or lied to you, it is understandable that it will be difficult for you to get past this event.

    Restoring lost trust is difficult and the effects can be It stays in the person for a long time and affects all his relationships. What happens if you find out after intimacy with the other person that he or she has cheated on you as well?

    Trust does not happen overnight and it is only natural that you can trust someone before you feel Need some time. However, constant mistrust of someone for whom there is never a reason to doubt can eventually lead to some serious problems in your intimate relationship.

    You may constantly ask the other person or Examine him, or constantly strive to be a little more open with the other person emotionally, neither of which is helpful in building a healthy relationship.

    Of course, it may be that trusting Have a problem with yourself, which often comes down to your self-esteem.

    If you have made mistakes in the past, you may be worried that you will make the same mistakes again and hurt your current partner. Bring it. Feelings of guilt and self-doubt may cause you to push away from the other person in order to protect both of you.

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    How to avoid rejecting others in our intimate relationships?

    BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

    Studies on mechanisms Psychological defense shows that we can have better control over our problem behaviors by learning how these mechanisms work and why. Daily recording of the emotions and feelings you experience can help you identify your emotional patterns and stimuli. This way you can replace positive habits with positive ones and experience healthier and more intimate relationships.

    You need to start small to achieve this goal. For example, the next time you receive a text message from a friend whose messages you are constantly ignoring, send a text message instead of leaving it unread. In this way you can rebuild trust and intimacy with others.

    You should know that intimacy and communication with others is a healthy and humane decision

    Some people are naturally more extroverted than others. There are others. Some introverts also feel comfortable and satisfied with just a small circle of close friends; But people who shy away from any kind of intimacy with others do not have a natural pattern of behavior and need help.

    To change this destructive pattern of behavior, you must make a conscious effort to change your behavior and be more open-minded. Deal with others to maintain close and intimate relationships; But if that's not your personality, you do not need to push yourself to become a social human being.

    Making quality communication takes time

    BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

    When you decide to connect more with others, there is always the temptation to rush things. But studies show that rushing into the early stages of a relationship, sometimes called the bombardment of love, is not a sign of health and indicates low self-esteem and a degree of social anxiety.

    Go slowly. Give yourself and your partner enough time and space to breathe. Instead of focusing on your plans or goals for the relationship, try to focus on what is happening at the moment.

    This has several benefits:

    • Since being with someone Have fun instead of worrying.
    • Each of you notices things about the other that are lovable and reinforce the value of the relationship.
    • With your own and the other party's patterns of behavior You will get to know the relationship and you can make better decisions for the future of your relationship.

    Respect for personal boundaries

    Stop making love to your loved ones, remember that it does not happen overnight. To achieve this, you must respect the boundaries of yourself and others.

    Do not open your heart to many people at once. You need space to process interactions and identify emerging positive patterns. This is difficult for you to do when you are managing relationships with dozens of people. Likewise, do not expect unrealistic expectations from others. What you are trying to achieve is not a one-way street. Just as you may sometimes reject your loved ones, on the other hand you may sometimes expect too much from your loved ones or feel that you are being expected too much.

    Instead, try a partnership. Create fairly. Show interest in someone without any curiosity about every detail of their personal life. Share your feelings and at the same time respect their feelings. Because you avoid doing this with so many people at the same time, you can spend your time in a healthy relationship and feel good about yourself.

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    How to allow others to enter our lives?

    BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

    Achieving self-awareness about why people are rejected is the key to change, but it's not the whole story.

    Learning the right emotional interaction with others It takes time and practice. The following strategies can help you along the way.

    The Importance of Talking to Each Other

    Healthy relationships require good communication between the parties. In addition to talking about everyday life and feelings about the relationship, you also want to share your thoughts on any issues that arise with your partner. Talking to your partner about the habit of avoiding intimacy may be a little scary, but it can make a big difference in achieving your goals.

    Explaining why you find intimacy challenging can help your partner to Understand why you are hesitant to start some of your conversations. For example, you might say to the other person, "I thought my ex-wife was the one I would spend the rest of my life with, but she betrayed me." Sometimes the fear of betrayal of the other person forces me to end the relationship myself before I get hurt again. I'm working on these fears and trying I have to change. "

    Finding Balance

    BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

    When you want to Overcome the motivation to reject others, instead of respecting your partner's boundaries, you may fall over the roof by over-expressing your inner self or clinging to it too much.

    Trying to reach Balance in a relationship can increase your chances of success in a relationship.

    Balance can mean:

    • Share naturally and without haste
    • Express your interest in the other person's life without curiosity or misplaced curiosity to know all the personal details
    • Share your emotions with your partner and in At the same time, make sure you ask about the other person's feelings.

    Your goal is mutual attachment. This means that you build a healthy bond with the other party and strive to support each other without extreme interdependence. You have a life together, but at the same time you still have your individuality.

    Balance can also mean trying to accept life's ups and downs more easily.

    If you are rejected Fear not, you may be on the alert if you see the slightest sign that your partner does not want to have a relationship with you. But the truth is that from time to time there is disagreement even in the most intimate and best relationships.

    As you probably know, feeling sad and frustrated with a loved one does not mean that you want him or her. Eliminate from your life.

    Get help from a therapist

    Can't identify the reasons for avoiding intimacy within yourself? Do not know how to break the habit of rejecting your loved ones? What do you really want is deeper intimacy? In such a case, getting the support of a mental health professional can be of great benefit to you.

    Surely you may be able to solve many of your problems on your own. However, when you want to look at underlying factors such as relationship anxiety, attachment problems, or symptoms of mental health disorders, you may not be able to address them alone. In fact, therapists have a wealth of experience in helping people deal with avoidant behaviors and other intimacy issues. li>

    What to do if someone rejects you?

    BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

    Has someone you love recently rejected you and you do not know why they are behaving this way? So it is better not to let the situation get worse and have a direct conversation with the other party. In fact, the other person may not know that their behavior has changed or may not know how this change in behavior will affect you.

    • Provide help and support: If your partner is going through certain ups and downs in his life, ask him how you can help him. This means that he does not have to go through these events alone.
    • Do not make promises that you can not keep: If your partner is afraid of being rejected, more commitment Excessive exposure can lead to failure.
    • Be patient: Your loved one may not want to express his or her feelings at first, or Still in conflict with your feelings.

    When you feel that your friend or partner is trying to bridge the gap between themselves and you, try a direct conversation so that each Do you find the right attitude to the situation. The other person may not know exactly how his or her actions affect you.

    Ask your partner how you can help them.

    Maybe your partner has a little more verbal communication. Or they may need a little more physical confidence (such as a hug or a casual touch) to feel more secure. In fact, it is always wise to ask what the other person needs, because wrong assumptions can complicate matters.

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    Does your partner shy away from you because of depression?

    BingMag.com Why do we hurt the people we love and keep them away from us?

    Mental health disorders and problems can affect your quality of life and relationships over time. Some depressive spectrum disorders can also lead to isolation and loneliness. If you think there is a problem with your partner, the best solution is to refer him or her to a mental health professional. Also, remember to practice caring for yourself while helping others. If your mental health is damaged as a result of helping others, it becomes more difficult to support their mental health.

    Last point

    People are not uncommon with you, but applying this as a long-term, permanent relationship strategy can cause you serious problems. A therapist can help you explore the reasons for avoiding intimacy and instead practice practicing warm and intimate relationships with others.

    We all have the right to decide how many people We want to place in our lives. We have the right to choose how close we want to be to others in order to feel satisfied. But whether you are a quiet but happy recluse or the heart and soul of a party, moving away from the people you love can be a sign of deep mental problems, and you should be aware of this.

    If you think as A defense mechanism shows signs of alienating people from you, you need to consider this more carefully. Is this pattern of your behavior a way to cope with unpleasant past experiences? Is this behavior a sign of depression? Take time to focus on your behaviors and feelings to find the root of your problems.

    This is for educational and informational purposes only. Be sure to consult an expert before using the recommendations in this article. For more information, read the BingMag Meg Disclaimer.

    Sources: Insider Inc, Healthline, Greatist, Mindowl Education, Bridge Counseling, RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, Thought Catalog

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