What is the feeling of shame, why does it arise and how can we deal with it?

Shame can be defined as a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation caused by doing something inappropriate or immoral. Shame plays a role in our survival. Without shame, we may not feel the need to follow rules or adhere to cultural norms. Given that we humans want to be accepted by others, shame is an evolutionary tool that keeps us all in check.

BingMag.com What is the feeling of shame, why does it arise and how can we deal with it?

Shame can be defined as a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation caused by doing something inappropriate or immoral. Shame plays a role in our survival. Without shame, we may not feel the need to follow rules or adhere to cultural norms. Given that we humans want to be accepted by others, shame is an evolutionary tool that keeps us all in check.

However, it can be problematic if shame causes you to judge yourself harshly. . Because this inner critic tells you that you are bad or worthless. In today's BingMag article, we will examine shame and ways to overcome it. Stay with us.

Symptoms of shame

Psychiatrist Peter Breggin described the symptoms of shame in the book "Guilt, Shame and Anxiety" as follows:

  • being sensitive
  • blushing
  • feeling rejected
  • worrying about others' judgment
  • feeling Being taken advantage of
  • Fear of expressing your thoughts or feelings
  • Fear of looking bad or stupid
  • Fear of failure
  • Perfectionism
  • Distrust of others
  • Fear of being the center of attention
  • Trying to hide oneself
  • Loss of identity
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  • Feelings of Regret

Shame is often characterized by the following behaviors:

  • You look down instead of looking others in the eye.
  • Instead of standing straight, your shoulders slouch and drop.
  • You feel unable to move.
  • You stutter when you speak.
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  • You hide yourself from others.
  • When you are embarrassed, you cry.

People's reaction to shame

BingMag.com What is the feeling of shame, why does it arise and how can we deal with it?

Experts have divided people's reactions into four categories:

1. Reacting violently

Some people get angry or attack the other person in order to divert attention from themselves. A quick and angry reaction is usually an impulsive reaction.

2. Hiding shame

Trying to avoid being the center of attention or not expressing thoughts and feelings is one of the things that a person does when faced with shame.

3. Avoiding shame

This response includes things like apologizing, crying, or avoiding conflict. People who are emotional or want to avoid conflict are more likely to engage in these behaviors.

4. Relieving shame

Complaining to yourself or apologizing to others can help reduce shame. For example, if you forgot an important occasion, you might apologize to the other person or tell yourself that your mind was too busy.

Types of Shame

There are different types of shame. in this section we mention a few of them:

1. Transient shame

Transient shame is a fleeting feeling that occurs when you make a mistake, it usually disappears quickly and does not cause any problems in your life.

2. Chronic Shame

Chronic shame is always with you and makes you feel like you're not good enough. This type of shame can disrupt performance and mental health.

3. Shame in the form of humiliation

Humiliation is the most intense form of shame. This type of shame is felt when you are embarrassed about something that happened in front of others.

4. Shame of failure

This type of shame occurs when failure or disappointment occurs. For example, if you lose unexpectedly in a sports competition, you experience this shame.

5. Shyness in dealing with strangers

This type of shyness, which is related to social anxiety, is caused by the fact that you are worried that strangers will notice a flaw in you.

6. Performance shame

BingMag.com What is the feeling of shame, why does it arise and how can we deal with it?

This type of shame is because you are aware of your performance and usually when speaking, performing music And... appears.

7. Self-shame

Feeling inferior can lead to self-shame, which is a chronic form of shame with long-term effects.

8. Shame related to one-sided love

Shame related to one-sided love is another type of shame that makes you feel that you are not good enough for the other person.

9. Shame related to disappointment or failure

If your expectations are not met or you fail at something, you may experience this type of shame.

10. Shame associated with exclusion

If you feel that you are excluded from the group, that you are not liked or that you do not belong, you may feel shame about being left out. This type of shame is also common in social anxiety.

11. Internalized shame

Internalized shame is a painful negative feeling that a person has about himself. For example, those who were abused in childhood may experience feelings of unworthiness or shame due to this abuse.

12. Toxic shame

Toxic shame is similar to internalized shame, as an emotion You seem to have an internal problem. People experiencing this shame try to show themselves as perfect in order to hide their unpleasant feeling.

13. Healthy Shame

Finally, healthy shame can exist. Shame is considered healthy when it humbles you or teaches you to respect boundaries. and some others may have roots in childhood. Possible causes of shame include:

  • Childhood trauma
  • Any mental health disorder that requires self-criticism (such as social anxiety disorder)
  • Having expectations Too much of oneself
  • Fear of revealing flaws
  • Not meeting expectations or experiencing failure
  • Rejection by others

The Effects of Shame

BingMag.com What is the feeling of shame, why does it arise and how can we deal with it?

If you have experienced shame, you probably know that it can have a negative impact on your life. you have Here are some of the negative effects of shame:

  • It makes you feel like you have a flaw or problem.
  • It leads to social withdrawal.
  • Can play a role in addiction.
  • If you've been bullied, you may hurt others.
  • You may feel worthless by pretending to be confident. Hide yourself (narcissistic personality)
  • Can lead to physical problems.
  • Can be associated with depression and sadness.
  • Makes you feel Feel empty, lonely, or exhausted.
  • Lowers self-esteem.
  • Makes it harder to trust others.
  • Induces perfectionism.
  • Leads to a fear of speaking because you're worried you'll say the wrong thing.
  • May cause compulsive or extreme behaviors, such as following strict diets, working too much, or cleaning too much. Too much.

As you can see, shame causes behaviors that create a vicious cycle. Due to the feeling of shame, you may behave in ways that lead to more shame. These behaviors may be harmful by themselves and cause physical and psychological problems.

The difference between shame and guilt

Although shame is often confused with guilt, in fact these two They are different from each other. Guilt is usually related to something you did wrong or a behavior you feel bad about. But shame does not mean doing something wrong. Shame is the feeling that arises when you think you are not good enough. If you can distinguish between the two, you've taken the first step to reducing shame.

Ways to deal with shame

Keep the following tips in mind to overcome shame:

Examine Your Feelings of Shame

The first step to dealing with shame is to figure out what it is. Because if you don't recognize your shame, it's impossible to fix it. Identifying the source of shame and its impact on current decisions can greatly help prevent shame from ruling over life.

One of the ways to recognize shame is to pay attention to your feelings in different situations. When do you feel ashamed? How do you react or feel differently when you feel shame?

Accept your shame

BingMag.com What is the feeling of shame, why does it arise and how can we deal with it?

Now that you've identified and acknowledged your shame, it's time to work on accepting it. It may seem impossible, but in order to get rid of shame, it is necessary to get these feelings out from within. It's important to show yourself love and acceptance and surround yourself with those who show you the same. You need people who accept you unconditionally. If you don't have that in your life, look for it in friends, family, or even a support group.

Remember that when you feel shame, your self-love must be unconditional. . Be honest with yourself and others. Don't avoid the shame you feel, but talk about your feelings and share them in the safe space you've created.

If you can't do this on your own, talk to a psychotherapist. As you go through this process, examine the beliefs and attitudes you hold about yourself. Now you need to let go of old beliefs about yourself being problematic and accept that you are lovable. Additionally, you have to accept the fact that you might make mistakes and that's okay. During this time, you can get help from a psychotherapist to set your priorities and make decisions.

Signs of people trying to embarrass you

Do you want to deal with the signs that someone is trying to embarrass you? to shame, meet? Watch out for the following signs when interacting with others:

  • They talk too loudly.
  • They point their finger at you.
  • They stare at you, make too much eye contact, or avoid eye contact.
  • They put you down.
  • They make fun of you in front of others.
  • They stand over you in an aggressive manner.

Adults, unlike children, can recognize shame and Realize that the other party is trying to embarrass them. In this situation, you don't have to internalize that shame or let it affect you. You can respond firmly and ask the other person to treat you with respect.

What should you do if you embarrass someone?

BingMag.com What is the feeling of shame, why does it arise and how can we deal with it?

If you embarrass someone:

  • Apologise sincerely.
  • If you have a reason for your behavior , explain it.
  • Offer compensation.
  • Do something to make that person happy.

Overcome shame in the long run

Shame is a complex human emotion that can have different causes or triggers, and overcoming it requires attention and acceptance. Depending on the type of shame, it may be easier to talk to a professional than to try to overcome the shame on your own. Additionally, if you are concerned about your mental health, a mental health professional can help you with that too.

Final Word

Shame is an emotion that all humans experience to varying degrees. they experience. If shame is a problem for you, you need to work on changing your thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes about yourself. When you deal with shame, you can more easily accept the unchangeable parts of yourself and fix the changeable parts.

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