What is the cinderella complex and how can we end it?

The concept of "Cinderella complex" is used to describe the fear of independence in women. In fact, this concept is based on the idea that many women do not believe that they can take care of themselves and provide for their needs, and they need a male figure to take care of themselves.

BingMag.com What is the cinderella complex and how can we end it?

The concept of "Cinderella complex" is used to describe the fear of independence in women. In fact, this concept is based on the idea that many women do not believe that they can take care of themselves and provide for their needs, and they need a male figure to take care of themselves.

They see themselves as They see a princess waiting for a prince to rescue them. Women who suffer from this complex often remain in abusive or dysfunctional relationships due to fear of loneliness and low self-esteem.

A New York therapist named Colette Dowling is the first psychologist to The book with the same name uses the term "Cinderella Complex". In this best-selling book, Dowling describes the complex symptoms of this complex along with some practical methods to help women overcome the fear of loneliness.

Most doctors believe that women who suffer from this complex They usually have other deep emotional issues such as low self-esteem and attachment issues.

Some women who suffer from the Cinderella Complex cannot accept the men in their lives in a healthy way. In fact, instead of seeing them as normal people, they often idolize them. This type of idolization often leads to expectations that cannot be met.

A woman with these unreasonable expectations may be emotionally scarred by behavior that other women would not consider unexpected or abusive. For example, women who suffer from the Cinderella Complex may perceive being late on a date as outright rejection, while other women may just be mildly annoyed.

BingMag.com What is the cinderella complex and how can we end it?

For women who suffer from the Cinderella Complex, dependence and low self-esteem seem to be the main cause of the problem. Most psychologists believe that in many cases dependency issues may be caused by overprotective parents.

In fact, these parents may have changed normal protective behaviors into destructive controlling ones. In some cases, they have even punished the child for showing signs of independence. It is also possible that women who suffer from this complex have been socially humiliated during their adolescent and personality-forming years, which often leads to low self-esteem. Dependency issues. In many cases, this treatment can be long-term because these patients are very dependent and may find it difficult to separate themselves from the treatment process.

Sometimes their dependence on men with dependence They are replaced by the treatment process. In many cases, patients do well in group therapy sessions because this therapy allows them to see their problems from the outside and from the perspective of others, and as a result, they can sometimes see their problems more realistically.

When a secret need ruins everything

Are you an ambitious person? Or, when you get into a relationship, does your career dip or stop altogether? Or have you been keeping your life on hold for a long time and waiting for someone else to come into your life and give you motivation and inspiration? If so, the Cinderella Complex may be your problem.

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What is Cinderella's complex?

BingMag.com What is the cinderella complex and how can we end it?

Cinderella complex is a secret desire to be saved by someone else. In fact, deep down you don't want to be in charge of yourself and you fear independence.

The term was popularized by renowned psychologist Colette Dowling in the 1980s when she published a book of the same name. The idea she proposes is that women are raised to be dependent, and this unconscious need to be protected and saved by another leads to a lack of success and happiness in their lives.

Just like Cinderella, these people also do not consider their hard work and intelligence to be enough and believe that they need an external force or another person to save them.

This term can be used in applied to anyone of any sex, provided that person is willing to put his life on hold for other people's sake and unconsciously show that he wants to be saved by appealing to the power of others instead of relying on his own abilities. . In fact, such a person wants another person to provide for his needs, whether financially or spiritually or emotionally.

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What are the symptoms of Cinderella Complex?

BingMag.com What is the cinderella complex and how can we end it?

At the heart of this problem is an unconscious and hidden desire for There is sabotage in life that makes you stay weak And being "salvageable" becomes a person. Manifestations of this problem can look like:

  • "Forgetting" important things like meetings and predetermined deadlines
  • Always a sudden drama before a big step. Moving Forward in Life
  • Just before reaching a goal, they change their mind I've decided I don't really want that job.

This The problem can sometimes include feelings of need and dependence:

  • You feel terrified at the thought of your partner leaving or dying
  • You never feel that something is enough
  • Feeling empty.

BingMag.com What is the cinderella complex and how can we end it?

Cinderella complex can also sometimes involve a cycle where You're strong and smart when you're alone, but when you're in a relationship, you change shape. In this way:

  • You focus less on your career
  • You cannot make decisions for yourself
  • You spend more time pleasing your partner than You
  • turned into a janitor and suddenly become obsessed with cooking and cleaning the house
  • You suddenly have financial problems and need someone to take responsibility for your financial decisions. take over
  • You constantly and chronically catch colds and flu
  • You put aside your hobbies and interests and instead focus on your partner's favorite hobbies
  • Even if your relationship is dysfunctional, you stay in it

And then it includes rescue fantasies:

Deep down, if you are honest with yourself , you are waiting. Waiting for "someone" to come and fix everything. The one who gives meaning to everything. Someone makes you want to be your true self around them.

Why do I have this hidden need to be saved?

BingMag.com What is the cinderella complex and how can we end it?

Since Dowling wrote The Cinderella Complex, the world has apparently evolved and changed a lot.

But not for everyone. Many of us still live in families that knowingly or unknowingly encourage us to be dependent rather than independent.

For women, this can be similar to growing up with "traditional values." Where boys are brave and girls should be nice and cute. If you weren't taught as a child to face your fears, if you were told jokes about how you could be a good wife or mother or marry someone rich, you weren't given the idea that you are a strong person who should Take responsibility for your own life.

In the case of men, they may have no problem providing for themselves financially, but they face problems in terms of meeting their mental and emotional needs. This can happen to spoiled boys and mommies. If all your decisions have been made for you and you were never taught to think for yourself or dare to be different.

So should I remain independent?

BingMag.com What is the cinderella complex and how can we end it?

The Cinderella Complex is one end of the spectrum, and most of us move from one side of that spectrum to the other in a reactive cycle. In a relationship we are strangely needy and terrified, but if that relationship ends, we become too independent. In fact, in such situations we never ask for help and push ourselves to achieve our needs.

We react to our needs and our shame and never see ourselves as stable or secure.

This happens because neither dependency nor independence are healthy behaviors by themselves. Dependence can lead to codependency (seeking the source of all our feelings from another instead of finding it within ourselves). Extreme independence leads to what psychologists call a state of "anti-dependence," where we isolate ourselves from others and repel any threat to our apparent independence.

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What is the correct answer?

BingMag.com What is the cinderella complex and how can we end it?

The power of interdependence. As with most things, the best way is not in extremes, but in finding the middle ground. Interdependence means that we depend on each other, but not from a position of need or desperation, but from a position of shared desire to be together and a sense of balance and stability.

This is a type of mutual dependence. I know I can survive and thrive on my own, take care of myself and provide for myself. But I choose to lean on you sometimes and allow you to lean on me in return.

Of course, it is essential that both parties can be comfortable being independent and have a healthy relationship with themselves. Then their relationship is not really anti-dependent and destructive.

But how can I end the Cinderella Complex?

BingMag.com What is the cinderella complex and how can we end it?

It's not a matter of just "deciding" to suddenly change your personality when love starts coming your way. Cinderella's complex is caused by our self-image and unconscious beliefs that we have had since childhood. Is. Therefore, it takes time, commitment and hard work to change it. This effort can include things like:

  • Recognizing what values you were raised with and what values are yours
  • What you really believe about yourself
  • Being honest about your needs and finding healthy ways to meet them
  • Identifying and improving situations that damage your self-esteem
  • Recognizing who you really are and what you really are What you want
  • Learn to communicate in honest ways instead of power games.

There are many methods that can be a great start, such as joining groups and Internet forums. But given how closely the Cinderella Complex is tied to how we feel about ourselves and our early relationships, working with a therapist can be very helpful. Not least because therapy is a kind of relationship, and it can serve as a kind of model to show us our need for affiliation, as well as a safe space to try new ways of relating.

Also. Above methods, there are some other effective initiatives that help to treat Cinderella's complex:

1. Break the stereotypes

Don't let normal societal norms dominate your ambitions. We often find that people judge us based on their assumptions about what a girl should and shouldn't do. But do you always have to follow the "Good Girl Traits" rulebook? I guess not!! Because people will judge you anyway, so you better learn to ignore unnecessary critics.

2. Get out of your comfort zone

Be adventurous, be more creative, have more fun, try new things, try thinking outside the box, keep experimenting. There is so much to discover. Accept your faults and deal with them. Be brave enough to make unique choices.

3. Change your perspective

What if Cinderella never met the prince? Was he not able to solve his problems? What if she didn't rely on the prince to escape her miserable life? Perhaps not only she, but also the prince was looking for the right person. So finally, if we change our perspective, the moral of the story will also change. The same in real scenarios. If we change our perspective on problems, we can solve most of our problems.

4. Take control of your life

Many times we get stuck in situations where we don't know what to do. That's when fear takes over and we give others the right to make important decisions for us. Never, I repeat, NEVER allow anyone to control your life. Of course, there are times when we need support, input, or discussion, but at the end of the day, no one else is going to walk in your shoes. So learn to make decisions for yourself and be brave enough to take responsibility for the results.

5. It's okay to be a little selfish

Don't we all sometimes regret being "too nice" to others. Or sometimes we get stuck in pathetic situations just because we can't say no. Honestly, no one is going to give you a medal for your sacrifices, patience, and so-called affiliations. Then stop being a victim and learn to put yourself first.

6. Know your worth

It is by no means wrong to dream of your perfect soulmate, but it is wrong to be incomplete without the presence of another. We don't need to wait for someone to arrive to fulfill our wish list. We should be content with ourselves to be responsible for our own destiny and be our own savior.

This article is only for education and information purposes. Be sure to consult an expert before using the recommendations in this article. For more information, read BingMag's disclaimer.

Sources: Harley Therapy, Wisegeek

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