When you make a mistake, do you think, "It's all my fault?" Or "I always mess things up!"
When you make a mistake, do you think, "It's all my fault?" Or "I always mess things up!"
If you also constantly carry these thoughts with you and always blame yourself too much, then you have excessive blame disorder. In fact, just as accepting too much responsibility is a wrong behavior, giving too little blame is considered an unhealthy behavior.
All people make mistakes from time to time in life. Knowing when to blame yourself, when not to, and how much to blame yourself in a given situation is a great skill. If you haven't worked on developing this skill, you'll soon fall into the trap of over-blaming yourself.
When you think of yourself as less culpable, you don't take responsibility for things that you should, or at least less than your fair share. You take your responsibility, which will show your immaturity, arrogance, and selfishness. Also, when you blame yourself excessively, you take responsibility for things that you have little control over or are out of your control.
Excessive and irrational self-blame leads to negative self-talk and feelings of guilt. You apologize too much and most likely become a nice person in the eyes of people so that you can make up for the wrong you have done to them. We pay too much self-blame.
Behavioral vs. Personality Self-Blame
There are two types of self-blame, and both are seen in excessive self-blame:
Everything is my fault; I did very bad."
The person blames his behavior for wrong things. When you blame your behavior, you are doing so from a position of power. In fact, you believe that if you had acted differently, things would have been different.
This is a healthy way of thinking, but only when you properly blame yourself. When you blame yourself too much, this mindset is not helpful at all and will not work.
It is a deadlier version of self-blame mixed with depression. Here the person says to himself: "Everything is my fault; I am a bad person." When you blame your character, you are actually doing so from a position of weakness.
Typically, a person sees their character as more inflexible than their behavior. So it's hard to change yourself. It means you keep screwing up because that's who you are and that's what you always do: screw things up.
Why do you feel like everything is your fault?
Regardless of what kind Self-blame, the reasons for this are several and interesting. If you can identify exactly what drives you to blame yourself unnecessarily, you can begin to change your faulty thinking patterns.
1. All or Nothing Thinking
This type of thinking, known as black and white thinking, is a pervasive cognitive bias. Actually, reality is more complicated than we think, but we still tend to see things as black or white. Low self-blame, you've been re-categorized in black and white, in fact, it's either your fault or nothing.
All or nothing thinking is the default mode of thinking. It's rare to see people who take 30 or 70 percent blame for things. Most people are either in the 0% or 100% category.
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2. Avoiding Change
Self-blame, especially personal blame, can be a way of maintaining the status quo. Maintaining the status quo is the most comfortable position for humans. Change and growth takes energy and is often uncomfortable for people.
If you think that bad things happen to you because you are a bad person, then there is nothing you can do about it. With extreme responsibility, you avoid personal responsibility, which eventually causes you to ignore the power and necessity of your improvement.
Fear of changing for the better is associated with low self-worth. You don't consider yourself worthy of becoming a better version, because you don't believe that there is a better version of yourself.
3. Actor-observer bias
Another default way of thinking is the actor-observer bias, which always has many problems. creates for people. Actor-observer bias is our tendency to see things from our own perspective while ignoring the perspective of others. This leads to attributing too much agency to oneself and less to external factors.
When there is a problem in your life, you realize it. You will. But when it happens to others, you hardly notice it. In this situation, their contribution is unclear, while your contribution is as clear as the sky.
The example above is to remind you that you know more about your mistakes than the mistakes of others. Therefore, self-blame will naturally always happen.
When we are not ready for a situation that is usually new, we feel anxious. Anxiety makes you hyper-conscious. Your actor-observer self-consciousness and bias grows, creating a cycle of self-blame and more anxiety. For example, if you give a public speech, you constantly worry that you will not do it well; If something goes wrong during the speech, you'll probably blame yourself because you were nervous before.
All of this, even if something goes wrong, it's still hardly your fault. Maybe the audience is tired after a long day of listening to speeches and you think you've bored them. Maybe the topic you were given to talk about was not interesting. So, as you have seen, many reasons can be effective in this matter.
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Most self-blame in depression is justified. When you repeatedly fail to achieve an important goal, you feel depressed.
However, depression can trap you in self-blame. Thinking about a real problem over and over again can make you see problems that aren't there. This is related to all-or-nothing thinking.
In life, you often go back and forth between two mental states: "Everything in my life is fine." And "everything in my life is bad."
6. Childhood trauma
Excessive self-blame may have developed during your formative years. It is well known that abuse victims can cause them to blame their survivors.
Children are especially prone to such ways of thinking because their minds cannot yet grasp the complexity of reality. It's all about them, including the abuse.
Childhood abuse can leave a child feeling ashamed and the effects will last well into adulthood. If the child is blamed for everything that happens, self-blame becomes a habit.
For example, a parent trapped in their prejudice is more likely to blame their child for spilling a cup of milk than to accept a They bought a cup of coffee.
7. Quick resolution
Humans tend to quickly solve complex life situations. Blaming oneself as soon as something terrible happens can be a way to avoid analyzing the situation further. The question answered: Maybe they don't realize how complex reality can be and because they don't understand it and have been fed easy answers all their lives, they get complacent. Or maybe they don't want to know something dark about themselves. So the best solution is to quickly blame yourself rather than giving others a chance to enter their inner world.
8. Getting attention and sympathy
Some people will do anything to get attention and sympathy. What happens after a person blames himself too much?
The answer is simple, sympathies flow to him. A person who blames himself too much feels special and taken care of and uses this method as a trick.
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9. Gaining Trust
When people apologize for their mistakes, they gain our trust and empathy. This effect is also observed in case of unnecessary apologies.
If people apologize for their mistakes, we feel good towards them. We'd be surprised if they even apologized for something that wasn't even their fault. This shows that they care about us a lot.
10. Illusion of Control
This applies more to behavioral than to personality blame.
When people overestimate their control over situations, they are likely to blame themselves; "I could have avoided it." Could you really avoid it? Or are you just giving yourself a false sense of control because you don't want to admit that some aspects of reality are out of your control?
11. Denial of vulnerability
This is also related to the desire to control. Some people do not like to think that external factors can harm them and tend to believe that they have complete control over their lives; So, when someone hurts them, they spin the situation to make it seem like it was their fault. They hurt have not seen In fact, they think that others do not have the power to harm them and only they can cause harm to themselves.
12. Reducing social friction
Humans are social species and maintaining social cohesion can sometimes come before accurate understanding of reality. .
Our all-or-nothing bias may stem from our need to maintain good relationships with our relatives. Do not blame yourself. If we blame our close genetic relatives for every little thing, we risk ruining our relationship with them. Of course, as genetic relatedness decreases, this effect also decreases, because maintaining good relationships with distant relatives or non-relatives does not have much effect on our survival. It all starts with using self-awareness to overcome default ways of thinking. Whenever something goes wrong, try not to blame yourself. Instead, analyze the situation thoroughly and think about who or what else was involved and how much.
Also another way to help you avoid blaming yourself. What it does is make a list of all the things you think led to this. In fact, imagine that you are out of your body and look at the whole situation from above. When you're done listing all the factors, assign a percentage of the blame to each. Then, when you're done, allocate the remaining portion to how much you're at fault.
Also, don't forget that when something terrible happens, people go around in circles blaming this and that. This is because they usually don't take into account the degree of culpability of a thing or person. When you have a list of blame, you can review things more systematically and avoid useless detours.This article is for educational and informational purposes only. Be sure to consult an expert before using the recommendations in this article. For more information, read BingMag Disclaimer.